weekdays: clubbing on ladies' night. first butterfact, next stjames, finally rebel. the queue was so muthafucking long we had to club-hop till we finally entered rebel, which sucks. i hate rebel guys. there was this short and fat and ugly indian old man who was grinding us, and he refused to stop even when we pushed him away. urgh. had no choice but to turn to zirca instead, i enjoyed myself though hehe it doesnt matter if the music isn't that hip. as long as i have my girlies :)

xmas eve was spent at home, cus i thought i was having a xmas celebration with wan. turns out i had stomach flu on xmas day, and spent the entire day on sickbed, applied to boxing day as well... haven't gone out for three days straight. no idea if i'm going to fully recover by tomorrow either, oh manz.

sista's getting married next tues! i'm not feeling it yet, but soon hehe. i'm always excited bout stuffs that i'm not the one going thru. sidenote: i've got the complete season three of friends in my ipod and i'm happy! halfway thru revamping my ipod too, gonna download more seasons of friends soon, uh i just can't get enough of it :) oh, i just finished watching xiaxue's wedding propsal video, it's so sweet, made me gushed throughout. if you're free, like me, go watch it kay!

You never think before you speak, and the words always wound up hurting me. I'll cry and feel upset but when I take some time to think about the exact words you said after that, I'll always realize you actually said something sweet in between those sentences. I wonder if it's a good thing after all, haha.

actually it's not until tomorrow, but i reckon i won't have time to blog about this tomorrow so i'll do it now. tomorrow, the 23rd of december would be mark the day where we had our first night together. nothing kinky, *winks, haha but it's one night to remember. two years back, i had a big crush on you, it was the biggest thing i've ever had for somebody i barely knew. i remember falling in love with you the second time i saw you, i didn't even know your full name. and the next thing i know, gladys was laughing at me for going gaga over the mere sight of your name tag.

one night after work, i jokingly asked if you want to send me home. surprisingly, you agreed to it. i was in a deep shock. i remembered us meeting outside topman cus we didnt want anyone else to know, but well i was so excited i couldnt hide my anxiety. and on the bus, you told me you've got a girlfriend and my heart sunk at that point of time. i didn't know what to do. while you went on and on about her, all i could think was, shit i have to talk to gladys right now, holy shit.

i suppressed all my feelings, and then we had supper at the coffeeshop downstairs. it was after midnight when we finished the meal, we continued to talk and talk endlessly about everything under the sun. we never ran out of topics but i wasn't truly happy cus i was bothered by the fact that you're attached. and then she called and i felt embarrassed and upset when i hear you guys talk on the phone. i was thinking, man this guy is never gonna be mine. the talk continued till daylight. we had breakfast together at the same place, and then at six am, you left to catch the first bus home, while i went home to get my sleep.

it's funny how things turned out after that, though i'm ashamed of what happened in the middle of it. but the twists and turns of events brought us together in the end, anyway. that night was special, cus it was our first night together. and that night, it made me fell madly in love with you. two years from then, i'm falling even deeper, its way too deep. i can never live without you.

you're so damn amazing i dont know how i made you fell in love with me in the first place, i'm just an average girl who has nothing good. but damn, you're everything i wanted to be. i love you baby, i really do. i hope this time, it would last. "happy first night ever anniversary" :)

i dont know what's gotten into me, perhaps today is just not my day. today was rough, cried and picked myself up and now it's all shit again. slowly i sense myself changing back into the old me, the one whom you fell out of love with. i wonder if it's the pms, stress and the lack of sleep, or is it just me? the character, the personality just stays, no matter how much you thought you've changed. today i did a lot of thinking and well, i dont know, i guess it didn't really derived to a conclusion. i feel like i'm drifting somewhere, like in the ocean, aimless and directionless. i glanced ahead and i'm bored by what i saw, i have no idea what i'm going to do. yes i'm excited it's finally holidays but again there's nothing i can do. what? study for exams or preparing for sis' wedding? bee's coming over is one thing that truly excites me but i just want to skip everything and jump right straight onto the day when he arrives. i feel so fucking insecure i fucking hate myself. now i've got it, and i'm going to ruin everything again because of my insecurities. i'm in a really bad mood and at 2.29am, no one's here to talk to me. i'm tearing but i dont know why, i just feel uncomfortable being in this body. i dont know what i want. nowadays i see 11:11, i get excited, and then i spent the entire minute thinking bout what i should wish for. i'm glad to say everything that i've wanted, i've gotten it, so there's no need for me to wish for anything anymore, that's a good thing. but somehow i feel helpless and just meaningless. i feel lifeless, i'm breathing but it's as though i'm not alive. these few days, this whole week has been shitty. whatever i did or said, eveything is wrong, incorrect, offensive. i'm in a fucking terrible mood and i dont even know how to explain! makes everything even worse. at night, i think about how you laugh, how i love to hear your laughter but then i realized i seldom make you laugh. is it me who's the one who always laughed too loud so it made your laugh less obvious? or is it that, i don't make you laugh at all? i think back and i realised i know how to make my friends laugh but you, i dont know. is it you who don't laugh so easily or is it me who doesn't make you happy? i'm saddened by this fact, do you know that? i don't want you to stay there for the rest of your lives guarding some family business because it sucks, okay? the whole idea of it is fucking stupid and i don't understand how you are going to give up an exciting life for such a mundane one, f.o.r.e.v.e.r. no, i dont fucking get it, and i dont want you to waste your life away. i hear you talk about your day, it's nothing new, not only it's boring, it's also stagnant. i can't believe anyone who would want to give up their original life for that. i understand for family, or for a few years, but you're prepared to do that for the rest of your life? oh my god. i dont know what to say. i'm afraid of talking you out of it because i know you wouldnt like me saying that, but you're a man, why? why on earth would you want to waste your entire life staying there when you had such better life over here in singapore? i feel dejected... because deep inside i want you back so badly. i want you to tell me you are going to move back here and never leave again. i need you honey, i need you so much. when i have a bad day like this i want you to hold me, and not just comfort me over the phone. it's not enough, it's never enough. i fucking want my old life back, i don't want to lose you. i wished you were here. :(

i know it doesnt make sense for what i've typed, it's a whole chunk of garbage but i really need a channel to vent this out. i can't do this alone nor could i coop it inside of me anymore. it's tough, this is tough.

Would you dance, if I asked you to dance?

Would you run, and never look back?

Would you cry, if you saw me crying?

And would you save my soul, tonight?

Would you tremble, if I touched your lips?

Would you laugh? Oh please tell me this

Now would you die, for the one you love?

Hold me in your arms, tonigh

taking a break from photoshopping! my eyes are soooo exhausted. -.- 3 hours since the start and i'm only still at page two haha. nevermind, im sure i can finish it by today! :D

my goodness it's alr 4:07am, cant bear the thought of my dark circles tomorrow and how many heaps of concealer i have to smack on it. but well, i stayed up bcus of my two dear friends and im glad that i am the one that they turned to when they are down. because they have been there when i needed them, i want to be the one for them when they need someone too. but of cus i would like them to be happy more than anything else, like i've said to them. :)

today is one of the happier days amongst recent days, i am in a beautiful mood, with all smiles and chirpy voice and a healthy mind. wan and i had dinner and h2h talk and then just when we were about to end the day, we had great buys at pasar malam! who'd have thought clothes at pasar malam has become so pretty nowadays, and totally worth it. i got another maxi dress for only $19, i heart cheap thrills!

third post within a few hours... one more paragraph about my current thoughts and i'm done. actually i've forgotten all about what i wanted to type here. oh yes i rmbr now, i want my pms-y mood to be over asap cus it is ruining things. can't even be happy when i'm on the phone, and i'm always tearing over the smallest things. don't say that he is, even i am irritated by myself. i hate being in this kind of mood when nothing seems to be able to cheer you up. fuck. hopefully tmrw it will come and everyth will be back to same again. & despite showing signs of irritation, he said things that were really sweet as well. well, i guess that should be enough to cover up my unhappiness for awhile :)

i. am. so. fucking. bored.

its late and i probably should get some sleep, but tmrw's a saturday and i don't wanna waste my chances to get to stay up late without feeling guilty :D but on the other hand, there's absolutely nothing to do. waiting for his call..... and feeling really hungry but nothing to eat. uh what to do what to do what to do. and i'm feeling a teeny weeny bit emo again. AGAIN.