i dont know what's gotten into me, perhaps today is just not my day. today was rough, cried and picked myself up and now it's all shit again. slowly i sense myself changing back into the old me, the one whom you fell out of love with. i wonder if it's the pms, stress and the lack of sleep, or is it just me? the character, the personality just stays, no matter how much you thought you've changed. today i did a lot of thinking and well, i dont know, i guess it didn't really derived to a conclusion. i feel like i'm drifting somewhere, like in the ocean, aimless and directionless. i glanced ahead and i'm bored by what i saw, i have no idea what i'm going to do. yes i'm excited it's finally holidays but again there's nothing i can do. what? study for exams or preparing for sis' wedding? bee's coming over is one thing that truly excites me but i just want to skip everything and jump right straight onto the day when he arrives. i feel so fucking insecure i fucking hate myself. now i've got it, and i'm going to ruin everything again because of my insecurities. i'm in a really bad mood and at 2.29am, no one's here to talk to me. i'm tearing but i dont know why, i just feel uncomfortable being in this body. i dont know what i want. nowadays i see 11:11, i get excited, and then i spent the entire minute thinking bout what i should wish for. i'm glad to say everything that i've wanted, i've gotten it, so there's no need for me to wish for anything anymore, that's a good thing. but somehow i feel helpless and just meaningless. i feel lifeless, i'm breathing but it's as though i'm not alive. these few days, this whole week has been shitty. whatever i did or said, eveything is wrong, incorrect, offensive. i'm in a fucking terrible mood and i dont even know how to explain! makes everything even worse. at night, i think about how you laugh, how i love to hear your laughter but then i realized i seldom make you laugh. is it me who's the one who always laughed too loud so it made your laugh less obvious? or is it that, i don't make you laugh at all? i think back and i realised i know how to make my friends laugh but you, i dont know. is it you who don't laugh so easily or is it me who doesn't make you happy? i'm saddened by this fact, do you know that? i don't want you to stay there for the rest of your lives guarding some family business because it sucks, okay? the whole idea of it is fucking stupid and i don't understand how you are going to give up an exciting life for such a mundane one, f.o.r.e.v.e.r. no, i dont fucking get it, and i dont want you to waste your life away. i hear you talk about your day, it's nothing new, not only it's boring, it's also stagnant. i can't believe anyone who would want to give up their original life for that. i understand for family, or for a few years, but you're prepared to do that for the rest of your life? oh my god. i dont know what to say. i'm afraid of talking you out of it because i know you wouldnt like me saying that, but you're a man, why? why on earth would you want to waste your entire life staying there when you had such better life over here in singapore? i feel dejected... because deep inside i want you back so badly. i want you to tell me you are going to move back here and never leave again. i need you honey, i need you so much. when i have a bad day like this i want you to hold me, and not just comfort me over the phone. it's not enough, it's never enough. i fucking want my old life back, i don't want to lose you. i wished you were here. :(

i know it doesnt make sense for what i've typed, it's a whole chunk of garbage but i really need a channel to vent this out. i can't do this alone nor could i coop it inside of me anymore. it's tough, this is tough.