after the break-up, i realized i'm always alone. i'm someone who really like having me-time, and i always like travelling to places all alone. taking long bus rides, listening to songs on my ipod. & just take my time to think about my life and what's going on. but after he left... it's like having me-time 24/7. it's always me and me alone, and i hate it, i am fucking sick of it. nowadays the thought of having to do something or go somewhere alone makes my heart aches, i am so fucking reluctant to be without a companion especially when it's always the two of us wherever we go... it sucks you know, being the one who's left behind.

that day, sam went for her haircut and i decided to roam around fep since there isn't much space left at the salon. and i felt so lonely, it's like i'm drowned and suffocated by loneliness. i bought some snacks and ate at the fountain... i looked around and realized people are all in pairs, except for me. i wanted to cry so badly but i bit my lips and controlled myself to not cry over such silly things. when i took the escalator up, i looked at all the couples, and think about how envious i am... to be able to spend time with your loved one is such a simple and normal thing, but there i was, deprived of that and super jealous of them. i was envious, and i wondered how many lonely souls had been in envy of us when we were still together, just hanging out as a couple, totally nonchalant bout others. that point of time, i literally ran back to the salon to find sam cus i couldnt stand being alone for another minute. & i'm so glad she was there.

i re-watched 'the notebook" again that day... it is probably my favourite movie ever. this is like my 4th time watching it and i'm falling deeper in love with it. noah and allie lost each other when they were younger, and when they fell in love again, they were faced with allie's decision to stay or leave. noah couldn't bear the thought of losing allie twice... so do i. like i said, i'm happy with him, so so happy and in love. but i can't even bring myself to think about the what-ifs, what if i have to lose you again? the first time i lost you it almost took my life, it almost ruined who i am. if i were to lose you again... i dont know... my heart shall be broken forever. i'm scared you know, he means so damn much but he's so far away. i'm left all alone here and i don't know what to do, i don't know how to face all these.

i haven't been sensitive for quite awhile now and it's such an achievement for me cus all my close pals know that i'm an over-sensitve bug and just can't stop thinking bout the bad things. but i'm over it, i've changed. it's only these days i've been in a bad mood the moment i wake up and it doesn't feel good cus without a reason to be frustrated about, you can't fix it. maybe it's just pms-y, i just hope this would be over soon cus i absolutely hate feeling like this.

i just wanna be normal and be happy and laugh without worries, most importantly, i really want the one that i love to be with me all the time. i miss having that. :( and i really need someone to be around me most of the time.